


What to Say

by younglingsalt



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Decisions, Depression, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Everyone Has Issues, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Pining, References to Illness, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, jean is bad with feelings, they come up pretty early
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 17:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/younglingsalt/pseuds/younglingsalt
Summary: Jean is lonely and depressed, and just trying to manage. He draws to escape everything going on, and tries to take care of his mother the best he can. One day some kid with freckles and a beautiful smile comes into his life,  and maybe, for the first time in a while, that means having a friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> BE EASY ON ME THIS IS MY FIRST FIC  
> this is probably not really original so have fun kids it comes with fluff

The car jostled and shook. The sound of the tracks colliding with wheels held together my thoughts, and the time in them. Everything seemed to float in midair, like rain. My worries sat in the seat next to me, quiet.

  
I stared at myself in the window on other side of the train, my reflection faded by the florescent lights and the outside scenery that ran to keep up with the train car. This was somehow easier than looking in the mirror. The window seemed to be less honest, having warped my face some and made my skin look more yellow and orange. I liked this better. I always enjoyed when I had the entire car to myself. The outside world couldn’t reach me inside this car, and my thoughts could seep into every seat and crevice, growing and twirling like vines. I usually hated being completely alone, without my headphones blasting music or without F.R.I.E.N.D.S. playing for the millionth time, but somehow I liked being deserted in this car.

  
“Approaching: Trost North.” The automated, tinny voice recited loudly, accompanied by the near whhrr that meant the train was slowing down and coming to a stop. I took my bag of the seat next to me and stood up. The doors opened with a silent rush of cold air and I stepped out onto the station, huffing out the last breath of warm air left. Despite all predictions, the weather had in fact, not improved from mildly cloudy, but had begun to start snowing again during the last week. Even though snow was beautiful, it was still fucking cold, and it made it hard for people to get to school, Trost being a small, almost secluded town and all (not that the lack of people was bad or unwelcome in the slightest).  
Since the walk to my house from the station was short, I didn’t have to survive the cold for very long. The familiar sights on the way home were a comfort. Even though I hated it, the houses looked beautiful blanketed lightly in snow. When I reached my house, I stood in the driveway and looked up in second floor office window to see if my mom was up there, working, as a force of habbit. She wasn’t. Which was mildly concerning. I walked quickly to the door and fidgeted with the keys in my cold hands until the door clicked open.  
“Mom?” I called into the house, the word echoing like a stone sinking in warm jello. Titan, my orange and brown fluffy collie, came towards my voice, tail wagging. I bent down.“Hey Titan.” I whispered to him, “how are you?” He didn’t respond, but I felt like he knew what I said and licked my face happily. I pet his head, scratching between his eyes like he likes. “Cool.” I got up and proceeded into the house, closing the door. “Mom?” I repeated, louder. There was no response. I went into the kitchen, looking to see if she had made herself food. You could really tell when she had because she always made this comically huge mess, always forgetting to clean up after herself until the morning, when she acted shocked that there was a big mess in the kitchen and shook her head all while cleaning it.

  
It hadn’t looked like she had cooked at all though. I went up the stairs, Titan trailing behind, to her room. Pressing my ear against the door, I listened intently before I decided to knock. After hearing light snoring, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I crept across the hall to my room and closed the door as quietly as I could. I threw my backpack on the desk chair with a thud and collapsed onto the bed. I pulled out my laptop, opened it up and dicked around for a half hour until I decided to check my inbox. I rarely used my gmail, not being one of those people who obsessively checks anything, so I only sign up for things I’m really interested in, making my inbox very bleak and one month of no mail from being declared dead. I did have one email, however, from The Museum of History which I frequented semi often to find things to draw that weren’t cute girls in my classes. It said there was a sale for tickets tomorrow, not including student prices. Sold. This was the perfect weekend to escape to the city for a day. I closed the laptop, being 1 am and all, and turned off the light. After rolling around for a couple hours I finally drifted off and dreamt of empty houses and audiences laughing as my face melted off.

  
–------------------------------

  
I woke up to Green Day screaming anarchy in my ear, leveling a glare two inches to my left at my phone. After it finally died I got up, shriveling at the cold, and got dressed. I settled on a red hoodie and my only pair of jeans that didn’t have paint smeared on them. I passed by the mirror, not looking, and grabbed my backpack, ready to leave. My feet padded softly on the stairs as I heard the clattering of bowls and spoons that meant my mom was eating.

  
“Hi sweetie!” My mom called as I entered the kitchen. She smiled with magically white teeth, and set down her spoon. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek. “Where are you off to today?” My hands paused while choosing a nutrigrain bar.

  
“To the museum.” I motioned towards my backpack. “Figured I’d have a day of it you know? Do you mind if I take the Accord?”

  
“Go ahead. I won’t be using it today.” She chuckled but looked down, messaging her hands slowly. “That sounds like fun. Stay safe, okay? No loud music in the car and be careful on the streets.”

  
I smiled. “Okay. Sure thing.” I paused after grabbing the keys. “Do you want me to grab anything? For dinner, or grocery wise?”

  
“No no we have everything. Now shoo. Go have fun.” She waved me off, closing her eyes, smile crinkling the corners.

  
“Fine. Just remember to eat, okay?”

  
“Yes I’ll eat. You worry too much. It makes me feel like I’m not doing my job as your mom.” She laughed at this, but seemed to tired to carry on her happy, energetic spirit. “See you later sweetie. Love you.”

  
“Bye mom.” I grabbed the keys and slipped out the door, worry refusing to leave my mind.

  
\------------------

  
“That’ll be nine dollars. And how did you hear about our sale?” The cashier asked in the same monotone chipper voice I’m sure no one but The Costumer heard.

  
“I got an email about it.” I said while handing over eight crumpled dollar bills and four quarters I scrounged out of my wallet.

  
She smiled and accepted the distinctively used currency. “A regular, I see. Well enjoy your visit sir.” I mumbled a thank you and walked to the stairs. I didn’t have a general direction in mind, but let my feet and mind wander wherever they pleased.

  
\-----------------------

  
After three exhibits and nine really cool doodles of dinos, I sat down in the middle of the hands on room to doodle the strangers that came and went. The high ceilings did little to distribute the tide of noise, but made the chaos of gossiping adults and screaming, out of control children seem both immediate and far away. Despite the noise and lack of space, the room was extraordinary. Life size dinosaurs stood tall at the center, surveying every guest who entered from high above. Placed around the exhibit in the center was five stalls that each had different types of sand. Running through all of them was a steady stream of water so that the children and occasional teen could experiment with dams and the eventual erosion of natural structures. These children could play God, building mountains out of sand and smashing them down whenever they liked. They could build islands and make deities out of figurines. It was bullshit. All kids wanted to do was splash water at each other and wreck things without consequence. I’m sure some kid out there enjoyed the power this gave them, but kids had little understanding of anything beyond their hands.

  
I tapped my pencil and looked around. I drew a kid leaning over a mini plastic pond, and their mom. I drew a dad with a tv head connected to every person in the exhibit. Then this boy walked in.

  
He was holding hands with someone who I assume is his much younger sister, since they looked so much alike. I think it was in the nose. He smiled like he collected sunny days in a jar and used them as a face wash. His brown skin was full of freckles, wrapping every inch of exposed skin like stars. He had this stupid middle part that was so even and clean that his dark, dark brown hair curled slightly above his eyebrows. It was annoying how well he pulled it off. It pissed me off. He wore this navy blue hoodie that looked like it was made for him.

  
His sister pulled him along to all the displays, reading each plaque intently and talking quickly about each one. He laughed and nodded and talked with her like she wasn’t six. It was impressive. And heartwarming, or some shit like that. Whatever. I drew him smiling, hands tucked in his hoodie pocket. I looked up and he was sitting down, watching his little sister play with the sand. After he looked away, his eyes immediately held this sadness. It seemed to be buried somewhere within him. I sketched his eyes. I made the freckles along his nose into constellations. His little sister moved into the section where you could uncover these huge plastic dinosaur bones, like they had never been uncovered, and he moved into the seats directly across from me. I was so busy drawing his damned perfect teeth that I didn’t even notice him walk over and stand over my sketchbook.

  
“That looks pretty cool.” I think I said roughly five curse words when he said that. The surrounding moms all glared at me while this angel of a boy just laughed. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” I blushed.

  
“No no it’s okay. Thank you. And sorry this probably looks super creepy.” My hands dragged down my face and my thoughts all turned to fuck fuck fuck.

  
He laughed. You could see all his teeth. “Nah man. I’m flattered. You made my face look way better.” All dimples and teeth. “I think I recognize you though. Do you know Eren? Yeager?”

  
How could this fairy prince ever be associated with that asshole.

  
“Yeah we used to… uh. Hang out a lot.”

  
“I knew it!” I don’t think he ever stopped smiling. “I don’t hang out with him a lot but I’m super close with Bertholdt, Reiner, and Annie.”

  
“Oh yeah. I know them.” They were a rag tag team made up of a teacher’s pet, a jock, and a punk respectively. They knew everyone and were basically the real people who ran the school. They were in, and did everything there was to do. Despite this, they were always in the background. Always the director and never the cast, the team leader and not the player. “I never really see you with them though.”

  
He almost lapsed, his smile so close to cracking. “Yeah.” It was like nothing happened. The split second in between his full smile and a look of pain never existed, and the aching and shining smile was all there ever was. “I never caught your name.”

  
“Shit! Yeah sorry.” He laughed. I held out my hand, as a habit, and said “Jean Kirstein.” Like my mother had taught me.

  
He shook my hand and replied, “Marco. Marco Bodt.” I laughed, and I sounded like a braying horse. Marco stared at me. I looked away and coughed.  
“That’s like the cheesiest thing ever. You know that right? Straight out of two thousand-fourteen. There’s no excuse for that.” The brunette beamed.

  
“Fuck off.” Marco glares. Then grinned impishly, “I know. But, somehow I knew you’d get pissed off. It was worth it.” Amazing.

  
“Damn, freckles. Didn’t peg you for the ‘I get off when you get all hot and riled type,’ geez.”

  
“It’s almost like you don’t even know me.” Marco feigned a gasp, covering his ‘o’ mouth with a rigid hand.

  
“Weird.” I smiled.

  
Marco and I saw his little sister coming towards us at the same time, our head turns comically in sync.

  
“Hey Marco.” She drew out the ‘o’ so long it sound like ‘oh’. “Some kid won’t let me have a turn with the brush. He started crying like a baby. It’s annoying.” She tugged on the hem of his hoodie, being the only thing she could safely reach with her short arms, since he was relatively tall.

  
“Jean, this is Mina. Mina, Jean.” She looked me up and down like I was a prisoner.

  
“Are you Marco’s boyfriend? The secret one?” Marco laughed nervously, his eyes wide. Mina looked stubbornly at her brother. “What? Is he? He’s okay looking. I guess.”

  
“Mina he’s not my boyfriend. Sorry.” He looked at me with eyes that said ‘I know she’s terrible but she is my sister.’ Marco brushed the hair out of Mina’s face. “We should probably get going though Minnow. We still need to make dinner, remember?” She nodded, begrudgingly, and sighed. “It was great to meet you, Jean.” I liked the way my name sounded in his smile. “I hope I see you around.” Marco waved, and walked out, chatting with Mina. I sat back down and watched him go. I hope I’d made a friend.

  
\-------------

  
“I’m home!” I called into the house. I went into the kitchen to grab a Hot Pocket. While it turned and heated up in the microwave I pet Titan.

  
“Hi sweetie!” My mom’s voice echoed. “How was it? Did you have fun?”

 

“I did have fun. I went to the museum, stayed there for a couple hours, and then sat at a starbuck’s for half an hour. It was nice.” My mom nodded. “What’d you do today?”

  
“I, um, just. You know. Worked for most of the day.” I knew, like I always knew, she was hiding something from me. Whatever she may think, it didn’t help me worry less. She, after all was a terrible liar. I never said anything though. Even though her face was covered in translucent tear tracks, and she hadn’t changed out of the clothes she had been wearing this morning.

  
“That’s good. Have you had dinner yet?” My face was blank. A trained mask.

  
“No I haven’t. I’ve been super busy.” I took another Hot Pocket out of the freezer. “Thanks sweetie.” She kissed my cheek as I took my dinner out of the microwave and headed to my room.

  
Titan jumped up on my bed with me, as I lay on my back and thought about the day. I thought about the way Marco seemed to like my drawings. The way he must have thought of me. I wondered why I never had seen him before today. I bet Marco didn’t do this. I bet Marco had at least five friends to worry about, while I sat and thought about the possibility of a real friend, for once. I was positive he didn’t think about me at all. I thought about all the things I wanted to change, like they were raindrops on a stormy day. I did this until I fell asleep, hand still on Titan.

  
I dreamed that I was a fish in the biggest sea in the world, and no one would talk to me, so I cried so much that all the world turned into ocean, and every shark, pirate, and, dolphin wanted to kill me. When I woke up at three a.m., I had tears running down my cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not soon at all sorry. I went to pride though it was lit and gay

The rest of the weekend past with little event. I woke up on monday, so tired I didn’t understand what my phone was, and got ready. I used the same outfit from saturday. Who the fuck even does laundry I say. Fuck the man.   
My mom didn’t appear to be up, so I slipped out. I decided not to ride the train today, so I took my mom’s car. On the ride to school, it was quiet, like always. But for some reason it felt more deep today. The sound of the blinker was more pronounced, and the surroundings loomed into me until I finally parked five feet away from the door. I got my bag from the back seat and walked to the front door, slipping in just after a group of freshman, laughing at something on one of their phones.   
I sat in the back. The day passed. My backpack seemed to gain weight. My legs seemed to be passing through sand. I felt like a ghost, watching the world turn on without me.  
As much as I looked, I couldn’t find Marco. I looked in every friend group, searching as I climbed stairs, and walked through hallways. He was no where to be found. Even as I sat down for lunch, I was still scanning for his smiling, freckled face. I did, however, find Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie fairly quickly. They were walking, almost completely in sync, down the hall in a perfect line so everyone had to make room. They were all giggling about something, Bertholdt’s eyes crinkled slightly in a smile, Annie’s thin mouth drawn back. I’ve never seen them smile except when they were with each other. Rumor had it that they were dating each other, and honestly, I didn’t think it was that far off. Despite the fact that Bertholdt was rumored to have a boyfriend. Which was up for speculation since he rarely spent time with anyone other than his tight knit group of three.   
Since it was only two weeks until the end of the school year, the school rang with a slight buzz. My last class of the day was particularly hectic, in part because they were all seniors, and ready to jet off into the next thing, and because the teacher had just introduced the last project of the year.   
“Alright guys. Guys!” Mr. Ackerman’s eyes got dangerously angry as he stared down the class, and everyone decided to shut the fuck up. “I know it’s the last stretch, but bare with me here. For this project, you are not going to be able to choose your partners.” Everyone whispered, but some kid said ‘fuck.’ louder then everyone else, which made the class burst out in laughter. “Exactly, Hitch. I want you to be actually working on this. Not planning whatever the crap you kids do now. Whenever I let you choose partners this classroom turns into a cesspit of din. Not to mention the fact that your grades suffer as well. So, the groups are as follows...” I zoned out at that point. I looked at the ceiling, staring at one tile that was off by three inches, leaving the wires for me to see.  
“And Eren is with Connie and Jean. Meet with your groups to discuss what you’re going to do. If I hear any talk about anything other than this I’ll mark you absent for today.” I sat bolt upright just about the same time Eren did. We both knew better than to protest this unsettling development, so we looked at each other, wide eyed, as we found a place in the classroom that wasn’t crowded. I placed my stuff on the table loudly and sat down, arms folded. Eren glared at me. Connie smiled, all teeth.   
“Hey guys!” Connie beamed. “It’s been awhile. How have you been?”   
“Good.” Eren grunted.  
“Fine.” I hissed.  
“I’m great. Me and Sash are almost to one year together!” I looked at him. Connie and Sasha have been friends forever. They started dating junior year, after Connie had asked her out by setting up a ring of roses around himself, and hoisting up a boombox that played In Your Eyes, just like in their favorite movie, Say Anything. It was so sweet and romantic that by the next week everyone had heard about it, even though they were both a pair of drifters. It was one of those things I hated to admit I liked. I smiled at him.  
“Congrats dude.” I slapped him on the back. Eren watched me wearily. “Got any plans?”  
“Of course. I was going to get the drive in movie place to screen Say Anything, plus we get Mcdonald’s.” Classic Connie.  
“Sounds perfect.”  
“Yeah.” Eren joined in, quietly. “Sounds great.”  
“Thanks guys.” Connie looked happy. “Hey Eren, how’s Mikasa? Is she doing better?” Eren’s eyes widened, looking from me to Connie quickly.   
“She’s fine. Better.”  
“Tell her I say hi, okay?”  
“I will. She’ll like that.” It went quiet. Eren was looking at the floor, eyes vacant, and I was tapping my pencil, creating tiny dots on the paper and a quiet tick tick noise. I turned around, remembering we were in class, to see if Mr. Ackerman was looking our way. He met my gaze and raised his eyebrows.  
“Alright. What are we going to do for the project?” I bit my lip.  
“How about something by Shakespeare?” Eren said. He didn’t look to interested in this, but then again Mr. Ackerman has been rumored to kill a student before.  
“Fuck no. Shakespeare’s dull. Besides, everyone already does his stuff anyway. We need something original.” Connie stated.  
“Umm...” I couldn’t think of anything. The last book I had read was The Last Olympian from the Percy Jackson series, but I was a senior and it wasn’t even close to a classic, however much I thought otherwise. “The Great Gatsby?”  
“Again, probably not original. I’ve already done a project on it anyways.” Connie said, starting to grow bored.  
“I’ve got it. The Picture of Dorian Gray.” Eren smiled. Only slightly, but I saw it. Connie high fived him, grinning.  
“Dude. Perfect. But what should our themes be?”  
I hadn’t thought this far. I couldn’t think of anything.   
“I got it! Homoerotic subtext!” Connie shouted. What the fuck-  
“Eh, okay. We have do it skillfully though. Otherwise I’m out.” Eren threatened. We both knew he didn’t have anyone else in this class but we didn’t say anything.  
“No. Uh uh. I’m not-” I tried to refute, but Connie stopped me.  
“Jean, this is all we got, and you know no one else is doing this. Besides,” He looked me dead in the eye. “You’re the best damn shot we have at not flunking this. We need you.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eren not, slightly. He looked so withdrawn.   
“Fucking fine. But please note that I’m not on board and will not contribute my full one-hundred percent.”  
Connie laughed, “dude, who cares. It’s highschool.”   
The bell rung, and everyone pushed each other to get out of the class. Eren and I were stuck at the desk, but we didn’t look at each other. We were looking at our phones, looking at things that didn’t matter, while the space between us grew. It was finally clear so I ran to get to my car, not looking back at the lonely soul I had left behind.  
\-------  
The moment I got home Titan jumped on me, barking, and thrashing about.   
“Hey boy! What’s up?” My eyebrows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” My eyes go to the kitchen. Nothing. I walk up the stairs, Titan following on my heels. Nothing. I walk into the family room, looking for any movement. There’s nothing. I go upstairs, check the bathroom, and find nothing, then check my mom’s room. There’s no one in sight. I whip out my phone, pulling up the messages app as fast as I can, when I hear rustling coming from the other side of the bed. My heart stalls as I walk to the other side of the room.   
“Oh!” My mom sits on the floor, legs flat out in front of her, laptop on her knees. “You’re so quiet! I didn’t hear you. How was school sweetie?” A moment of anger arises in me, but I tuck it away.   
“Mom, why are you on the floor? Are you okay?” My voice is completely even.  
“Well, I was on the bed, but my legs started cramping and tingling and all that so I went down here. I’m fine Jean. I’m okay.” This speck of anger I pushed away washes itself over me, for some reason I don’t know, and speaks loudly about what I should do. I know how to keep it trapped, however.  
“Okay. I’m glad you’re okay I just couldn’t find you, and Titan was barking, and I thought you fell or-” My words tumbled and came out like stones.  
“Honey don’t worry about me. I’m okay. I haven’t let Titan outside in a couple hours so that’s probably why he was barking. Now.” She moves her legs slightly. “How was school?”  
“Good.” I lie. I know she wants something more, so a give her a crumb to latch on to. I’m kneeling now, so we can have a normal part of conversation. “I ran into Eren today.”  
“Oh boy. How’d that go?” She looks so concerned, so motherly, that I can’t help but memorize this face, because I know that if she knew how badly I am managing she would look worse, and so much sadder. She would break completely. “You know, I still feel bad for that kid. Even if he did do something bad. He’s been through a lot.”  
“Yeah. He has.” God, I feel so bad. It’s coming down on me, surrounding me. My mom grabs my wrist, making my eyes dart back to hers.   
“Jean, honey, you did what you had to do. Don’t feel bad. How’d it go with him today?” I felt so dramatic. The only thing worth bringing up in my day was fifteen minutes of barely conversation with a kid I don’t talk to anymore. He has so many more problems then me being bitchy.   
“It went okay. I don’t know. It’s weird.” I paused. “I’m being over-dramatic, it wasn’t that bad.” There was that concerned face again. “There was very little actual communicating between us. It was just super awkward, and I still have to do this project with him for english, and ugh.”  
“I’m sorry. Nothing you can do about awkward, except let it self play out.” She touched my shoulder, right as my phone buzzed. We both looked confused as I pulled out my phone, seeing what it could be.   
From: Connie  
Hey dude its connie. I just wanted to ask if you have dorian gray like a copy we could use eren doesnt have one :(

“It’s..” I consider lying, but I don’t what what that would do. “Connie, for our project.” My mom smiled; she really loved Connie. He always made her laugh. “I need to go look for something.” I kiss her forehead. “Bye mom. See you later.”   
“Goodbye, I’ll see ya. Tell him I say hi!” She waves, and I leave the room with a smile that disappears the moment my mom can’t see me. I decide to search my mom’s office first, since she has a virtual library in there.   
“Dickens...Shakespeare...Hey mom?”   
“Yeah? What is it?”  
“Do you have Wilde’s Picture of Dorian Gray, from highchool or something?”  
A long pause. “Hmm. Try in the box, under the printer.”  
“Alright.” I shuffle through notes and folders, and finally find the book. Thank god. “Found it! Thanks mom! I love you.” I wait a couple minutes, and hear nothing. I walk into my mom’s room, and find her slumped against the wall, laptop lighting up the room. After dragging the blanket off her bed, I place it on her, after closing the laptop. “Goodnight.”   
I pick up my phone once I’m out of the room, and answer Connie.  
To: Connie  
hey connie  
I have it. My mom says hi !

From: Connie  
Alright!!! sweet. Im having a party tomorrow erens going to be there you should drop it off. is that cool (tell your mom I said hi too and that shes nice)

My face contorts. He of all people should know I don’t want to go to a party. He knows my history. But I guess I’m going to have to tough it out, remain neutral. Like Sweden. 

To: Connie  
yeah its cool ill be there w the book and some chips or something

From: Connie  
awesome bring the good salty oily corn ones! Do you need my address???

To: Connie   
nah I got it dont worry  
see you tomorrow connie

From: Connie  
cool beans jean-bo see ya

Well, It’s not like I’ll be caught there due to social constraints. You can’t be stuck talking people when no one wants t talk to you anymore. I’ll just drop the book and the chips off, and jet outta there. Smooth. Slick. Like ripping off a band-aid. I startle as my phone buzzes. Who else could text me tonight?

From: Eren <3  
it’s eren thank you for bringing the book. Sorry I’m being dumb, I know it’s stupid acting like a 5 year old and glaring and-

I don’t read the rest of the text. I deleted it, and hoped it wouldn’t come up tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> will post the second a and third chapter very soon sorry they're short


End file.
